The Groupproblem
~Title: The problem~
~Category: The Groupproblem~
~Number: 001~
+Akatsuki stand around a fire in a dark cave.+
Leader: We are meeting here because we have a problem.
Itachi: Yeah - we're out of nail polish again!
Leader: ... ... that's not what I meant! Our group has a problem. We are too weak to catch the Kyuubi. We need support.
Plantguy: Let's just get Orochimaru back...
+The next day the corpse of the Plantguy was found swimming in a river. Next to uncountable punches it seems he was strangled with a creeper.+
##################################################################################
~Titel: Recruiting new members~
~Category: The Groupproblem~
~Number: 002~
+Still in the dark cave.+
Leader: What now? The Plantguy is dead, so has anyone another offer?
Kisame: We could hire someone over the Internet.
Batguy: What? So we'll have nerds running around here? Great idea...
Kisame: If they are loosers we have fresh meat at least.
Batguy: ... ... Switch the computer on!
##################################################################################
~Title: The new one~
~Category: The Groupproblem~
~Number: 003~
+Still in the dark cave.~
Leader: Due to Kisame and the Batguy searching for new recruits, the human population has declined by 294 humans, but this special candidate seems to have potential ...
+A man comes out of the shadows. He is wearing a white shirt and ironed trousers. His hair is combed back and his face seems to consist out of pimples. He is wearing a really ugly tie, too.+
Leader: I proudly present - Dilbert!
Itachi: Woah! This is BAD! Just his appearance is worse then my Tsukiyomi!
Kisame: No shit!
Tall Guy: We're lucky he has no tentacles...
Dilbert: Hey, du you guys like manga? I like manga! *Holds up Shoujo Manga*
***
[Two minutes later]
Itachi: That was fast eating, even for Kisame!
Leader: Did you see that?! He didn't even chew the limps, he just swallowed them as a whole!
##################################################################################
~Title: Resurrection~
~Category: The Groupproblem~
~Number: 004~
+Still in... you already know.+
Leader: Now that Dilbert has left us too we need a new member again.
???: Hold on!
Everyone: ...?
Plantguy: I have...
Deidara: Hey you were dead! I was the one who made the knot to...
Plantguy: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Everyone: ...
Plantguy: I was near death ... but then someone appeared who gave me my life back. He is mightier than all of us and he will support our group.
Leader: And that's who...?
Plantguy: Come out!
+A man with brown hair that reaches his shoulders and a full beard comes out of the shadows.
Plantguy: May I introduce: Evil Jesus!
Evil Jesus: Okay folks, i will channel some fumes in this cave to warm it up and while I'm doing that you should lie down to rest a little...
##################################################################################
~Title: Comparisons~
~Category: The Groupproblem~
~Number: 005~
+Itachi, Kisame and Evil Jesus are sitting on a table and everyone is showing off the evil things he has done.+
Kisame: Hey, I am so evil, I slaughtered a whole town of my kinsmen. Didn't spare any women or childen, either.
Itachi: I am so evil, I killed my own family and turned my brother's life into a living hell.
Evil Jesus: So what? I created Yaoi Fangirls.
Itachi and Kisame: ...! Dude... THAT'S evil...
##################################################################################
~Title: Influences~
~Category: The Groupproblem~
~Number: 006~
~Date: 05.12.05~
Kisame: You know, I think we should throw Evil Jesus out again.
Itachi: Why?
Kisame: He was sitting in front of Sasori's computer the whole week... I think that's bad influence.
Itachi: What do you mean?
Evil Jesus: u r t3h l00s3! OLOLOLOL! PWNED!
##################################################################################
~Title: Surrender~
~Category: The Groupproblem~
~Number: 007~
~Date: 27.04.06~
Leader: Since we had to kick Jesus out of the team again...
Kisame: *BURP*
Leader: ... we have the old problem again: our group is too weak.
Batguy: Allright, allright, I'm on it...
***
[623 inapplicably and eaten candidates later]
Leader: You know what? I give up!
One Shots
~Title: A new Job~
~Category: One Shots~
~Number: 001~
Deidara: Hey... where the heck is Kisame...?
Itachi: He got a new Job at a Band. They said their front singer died and he sounds just like him...
+Kisame walks past them, singing quietly+
Kisame: Denn, du bist, was du isst... +hums+ Es ist mein Teil...*
*Note: What Kisame is singing is a song from "Rammstein", called "Mein Teil". It is a german band so I left the text in german too.
##################################################################################
~Title: The appearance is important~
~Category: One Shots~
~Number: 002~
+Kisame stands in front of a mirror and looks at himself very closely.
Kisame [thinking]: Darn... my apperance is just too freaky! I have to show more of my real nature... of a hunter!
+Kisame starts to smile over both ears and opens his eyes as much as possible.+
Kisame: Yees... better... a hunter...
+Sasori passes by and stops in front of his Teammate.+
Sasori: Kisame, you look like a mentally disturbed walrus.
Kisame: The hunter spots his first prey!
##################################################################################
~Title: Carmouflage~
~Category: One Shots~
~Number: 004~
+Sasori stands in front of a mirror and looks at himself.~
Sasori: My appearance is much too conspicious for a Shinobi - I need a carmouflage that is perfect. ... ... YES! That's it! I will just test this carmouflage on my teammates. It helped one of the biggest spys in history, it can't fail!
***
+Kisame and Itachi are sitting around and watching a dented carboard box, which is dragging a artifical tail behind itself, that tries to sneak past them.
Sasori [thinking]: *snicker* Sasori - you are a genius!
Kisame: Do you wanna smash him or may I...?
##################################################################################
~Title: In the morning~
~Category: One Shots~
~Number: 004~
+Itachi is sitting on a desk with steaming pot of coffee in front of him. Next to his there is one ready for Kisame. Then Kisame comes, still totally sleepy, to the table.+
Itachi: Good Morning.
Kisame: *grmpfmpf* Morning...
+Kisame starts to drink all the coffee out of his cup with one pull.+
Itachi: Woah! Watch it Kisame! A coffeeinshock could...
+Kisame slams the cup on the desk, stands up and starts to dance.+
Kisame: Life is life... nananana... *sings*
Itachi: Bingo!
##################################################################################
~Title: Personalitytest~
~Category: One Shots~
~Number: 005~
Plantguy: Hey Kisame, check this out! I found a personalitytest in the internet that shows you which Akatsuki member you are most like!
Kisame: Show me... +does the test+ ... ...! WAAAAAAAH! +Smashes the PC with Samehada+
Plantguy: What the... Kisame! What's wrong?! What have you seen?!
Kisame: Deidara as result!
##################################################################################
~Title: Please...~
~Category: One Shots~
~Number: 006~
Kisame: Come on... please file down my teeth... they're used off!
Itachi: +Waving around with a Hand that has only three fingers left+ Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!
##################################################################################
~Title: Curses~
~Category: One Shots~
~Number: 007~
~Date: 20. Nov. 06~
Hidan: Hmpf... I should use my curse against this damn leader the next time.
Leader: *telepathic* If you can stand Montezuma's curse which I will cast upon you then for that.
Hidan: Hm... when I think about again...
Leader: Smart boy.
##################################################################################
~Title: Secret rendezvous point~
~Category: One Shots~
~Number: 008~
~Date: 23. Nov. 06~
+Hidan and Kakuzu are standing in a dirty public toilet.
Hidan: Okay... and we are here BECAUSE...?
Kakuzu: Like I already told you, I have to bring the corpse of this old sack here to get the money.
Hidan: And just WHY did those guys chose the dirtiest toilet in the whole Narutoverse as their hideout?
Kakuzu: You always find something to complain about.
Hidan: Hey, I mean... two guys in a dirty public toilet, you're carrying a corpse... someone passing by could get the wrong impression, you know?
+A secret door opens and a bald guy with thick eyebrows and a slightly deformed face comes out.+
Man: Izmir did wait for you, Izmir need fresh corpse for webstream.
Hidan: Okay, I'm SO out of here!
Kakuzu: But he pays good.
Hidan: I don't want to hear why!
##################################################################################
~Title: Stating the obvious~
~Category: One Shots~
~Number: 009~
~Date: 23. Nov. 06~
+Kakashi faces Itachi.+
Kakashi: You can't fool me. Your eyes... they got worse, right?
Itachi (wearing a yellow armlet and holding a white cane): Why do you think so? Who's even talking there?
Kisame Vs. Deidara
~Title: At McDonalds~
~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~
~Number: 001~
+The Akatsuki Members are standing in a row at McDonalds. Kisame is behind Deidara.+
Deidara: One Fish Mac...
Kisame: Racistpig.
##################################################################################
~Title: Experiments
~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~
~Number: 002~
+Kisame and Deidara are sitting on a table. Deidara is making some notes on her writing pad. Kisame takes his Tea and drinks, but just in the moment he swallows he explodes.
Deidara: Notice to myself: Disperse explosives in water is possible...
##################################################################################
~Title: Is it really lethal?~
~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~
~Number: 003~
+Kisame and Deidara are sitting on a table, each of them has a cup of tee in front of them. Deidara drinks of hers and in the same moment, Sasori comes angry into the room.
Sasori: WHO the heck hast stolen my poisinous tailend?!
Kisame: Here. +Gives Sasori the tailend back.+ Just borrowed it.
Sasori: It's wet... what have you done with it?!
Kisame: Stired Deidara's tea with it...
Deidara: +snort+
Kisame: Hey, is that poison really lethal...?
##################################################################################
~Title: In the Kindergarden~
~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~
~Number: 004~
+Back then in the Kindergarden. Deidara builds a figurine of Sand. Kisame comes by the way and stomps it.+
Kisame: Muahahahahaha...
Deidara: Grmpf...
+The next day. Deidara builds again a figurine. This time it is even bigger as the day before. Again Kisame comes and stomps it.+
Kisame: Muahahahahaha...
Deidara: Grrrrrrr~mpf!
+The next day. Deidara builds again a figurine. And again Kisame comes with the will to stomp it, but just as his feet touched the figurine, it explodes.+
Deidara: Tehe...
+That was the day Deidara noticed her love for explosives...+
##################################################################################
~Title: How it was supposed to end~
~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~
~Number: 005~
~Date: 10.11.2006~
+Deidara is sitting on the couch as Kisame passes by+
Kisame: What... Jaws?
Deidara. Yeah, great movie!
Kisame: Do you know the original ending?
Deidara: What original ending?
+Kisames bites Deidara's head off without hesitating a second+
Kisame: The one where the shark wins.
##################################################################################
~Title: Sayings~
~Category: Kisame VS. Deidara~
~Number: 006~
~Date: 20. Nov. 06~
Deidara: Damn! Who ate my cake?!
Kisame: BURP!
Deidara: Kisame you mean old dog!
Kisame: It begged me to eat him... I felt sorry.
Deidara: Bah! Bite me!
Itachi: BIG mistake...
[One minute later]
Tobi: Hey Deidara, where's your arm?
Deidara: Don't ask...
Outside of Akatsuki
~Title: Artist~
~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~
~Number: 001~
~Date: 17. Nov. 06~
Kakashi: "Tell me Sai... did you draw every ANBU member that way?"
+Sai looks at the naked Kakashi which is lying in front of him on the sofa+
Sai: "Until I got fired dishonorable..."
##################################################################################
~Title: Sins from the youth~
~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~
~Number: 002~
~Date: 17. Nov. 06~
Naruto: "Say Lee... what happened to your partens?"
Lee: "Well, I started to imitate Gai-sensei at a very young age..."
NarutO: "Huh? I don't get it..."
[Flashback]
+Little Lee is sitting in front of a burning house, holding a lighter in his hands+
Lee: "The flame of youth is burning... BURNING!"
##################################################################################
~Title: Qualities~
~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~
~Number: 003~
~Date: 17. Nov. 06~
+Young Orochimaru wants to date a girl, but her father is answering the doorbell+
Father: "And what qualities do you have? What can you give my daughter?"
+Orochimaru rolls out his tongue completly+
Father: "Martha! Bring me my shotgun!"
##################################################################################
~Title: Lonely hearts ad~
~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~
~Number: 004~
~Date: 17. Nov. 06~
Text: Are you under age, male, have a nice body and maybe carry a rare bloodline inside your veins? Then contact me for... strength. Cipher >FagSerpent<.
Kabuto: Orochimaru-sama... you should maybe think again about this ad.
Orochimaru: Why? What's wrong with it?
##################################################################################
~Title: An old joke~
~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~
~Number: 005~
~Date: 21. Nov. 06~
+Gaara is sitting in the sandbox and... AUGH... GAAAAAAAARGH...+
...
+Gaara walks over the pieces of Jim's corpse and looks right into the camera.+
Gaara: This joke is so old and not funny anymore that I won't can't allow another one.
##################################################################################
~Title: Got it?!~
~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~
~Number: 006~
~Date: 21. Nov. 06~
+Sakura and Naruto face Sasuke finally, after years of searching for him.+
Sasuke: Hmpf... I have no feelings left for you. Leave or I will kill you.
+Within a heartbeat Saskura stands in front of Sasuke, grabbing his collar.+
Sakura: Listen up, bitch! I have worked my ass off for years, I trained like a moron and I have already ordered everything for the wedding next month. You will come with me or I swear to god I will your sorry ass and this time there is no miracle that will save you! GOT IT?!
Sasuke: ... ... ... I want to be a good boy again.
##################################################################################
~Title: Change of strategies~
~Category: Outside of Akatsuki~
~Number: 007~
~Date: 23. Nov. 06~
+Team 7 VS Zabuza+
+Sasuke has just caught the big Shuriken and wants to throw it.+
Zabuza: Ha! I already told you... a Shuriken won't be of any use against me.
Sasuke: Okay...
+Sasuke pulls out a gun and shoots Zabuza.+
