Heavy on my Heart von Nickay ================================================================================ Kapitel 1: ----------- Subaru sat there and watched them. Arms crossed. Well actually it was Shuichi but in this masquerade he was Subaru Okiya. That wig, that mask, that was not Shuichi. But it was needed to fool their opponents. At the moment he was sitting at his temporary home, the Kudo Mansion, but still he was disguised. You never know who rings the door. Jodie and Camel sat opposite him. He wasn‘t that happy they knew now he was still alive, but he couldn’t change it now. At least Jodie wasn’t so sad anymore. He didn’t miss the glances she threw at him the whole time. As if she wanted to make sure he doesn’t disappear. Also he didn‘t miss the glimpses Camel gave her. He couldn’t read them. Camel didn’t know about their past, as long nobody told him. And he didn’t think anybody did so. That could only mean one thing. He instructed both of them to the plan and now there was nothing left to say. The silence made Camel feel uncomfortable. Some kind of tension was lying in the air. „I think it’s time to go now. Are you coming with me?“, Camel asked Jodie. Addressed one looked at Shuichi/ Subaru. As if she expected him to say something. Maybe she wanted to stay so she could argue with him undisturbed. But he didn’t say anything. Fine. She thought maybe he would want to speak with her private. Maybe explain a little bit more. She didn’t expect him to say sorry at all. That wasn’t like him. But nothing. Not a single word. No reaction. And because his eyes were completely narrowed she even couldn’t say where he was looking at. Fine! She smiled. „Sure! There’s a lovely cafe I would love to go to. You wanna join me?“, she asked Camel cheerful. It was forced, but if Shuichi didn’t want her to stay she wouldn’t beg. Camel blushed slightly through her invitation. „Ah sure.“, he muttered. Still Shuichi didn’t show any reaction. „For sure you’re getting in touch with us if something’s wrong.“, she said towards Shuichi. „Sure.“, was his only respond. „See you then Akai.“ He lifted an eyebrow. Since when did she call him that?“ She didn’t wait for an answer and went to the door. „See you.“, Camel muttered and hurried up to follow Jodie. Shuichi watched them leave silent. What the hell was that right now? Akai? Seriously? For sure she was mad with him. Nevertheless he expected her to stay. He was more than surprised that she left with Camel. He was ready to fight with her. For sure she would love to scream at him, to punch him and to cry in anger. But she did nothing of that. She just left. Maybe she didn’t want to do it that obvious, but… She went out with Camel. Jodie and Camel? Never. But yet… She played his girlfriend. She didn’t fall into his arms as she discovered he was still alive. And she didn’t want to stay with him alone. Also she didn’t come around the night before. He would’ve expect that. But she did none of those things. He stood up and went over to Agasas house. He hoped the boy would be there. Luckily he was. „Subaru.“, he said surprised. „Something happened?“ He told him the recent events. „I need to ask you a favor.“, Subaru finished. Conan looked at him in surprise. „Are you sure? She will be…“ „Don’t worry boy. As I know for sure she won’t be mad at you. She really has some sympathy for you.“, Subaru grinned. „But she will with you.“ „Not more than she already is.“ Conan hestitated. „Boya. I don’t want get you into trouble, but I need you to do that for me.“ „Can you tell me why?“ Subaru shook his head slightly. „Not yet.“ „Do you suspect him to…“ „No. Personal reasons. That’s all I can say.“ Conan watched him curious. Suddenly he catched the meaning and smiled. „Okay.“, Conan finally said. „I’ll see what I can do.“ „You’re smart. You’ll do it.“ At the same time Jodie sat with Camel at the cafe. She didn’t know what to think. She was so angry, so disappointed. She’s such a fool. She really hoped he would ask her to stay. To have a private talk. To give her some explanations. But nothing of that happened. She wanted to scream at him. Punch him so he feels the same pain she felt the last months. In past general. And after that she wanted to fall into his arms to feel and to smell him. How foolish. He’d never come back to her, he doesn’t want her anymore. Camel ripped her out of her thoughts. „Sorry, what did you say?“, she asked apologetic. „I said I can’t believe he really is alive and was just in front of us the whole time.“ The last thing she wanted to talk about now was him. „We shouldn’t talk about that in public. You never know who’s listening.“ „Yeah sure. You’re right, sorry.“, Camel apologized. „Let’s enjoy this beautiful Cake!“, she cracked a smile. The following day she had a meeting with Conan. „Cool Kid.“, she greeted him, as he hopped into her car. „Jodie Sensei. Everything alright?“, he asked concerned. „We’ll see soon.“, she answered while driving to the destination. Conan felt uncomfortable. For sure she was mad with him. He knew and lied to her. Akai was too confident. In the parking lot of a beautiful park she stopped the car. She assigned him to follow her. „Is there anything you want to tell me Cool Kid?“, she started. Conan swallowed. „What do you mean?“, he acted innocent. „Come on. You’re clever. You know exactly what I mean. It was YOUR plan. Primarily yours. You knew the whole time Shuichi was still alive and played the dumb one. You saw how upset I’ve been. Did you enjoy it?“, she asked him. „Jodie no! We were trying hard to figure out how to make it all work. We didn’t want to hurt you. It still was pretty risky but at least we had to try. I’m so sorry Sensei. Nobody knew. We know that especially Vermouth is very good in disguising and we were sure they would come and check. Especially you, ’cause you and Akai were close partner. And they really did.“ Conan stopped and sat down the bench. Jodie followed him. „But why? Did you really have no trust in me?“ „It’s not like that. But Sensei look. You’re like Ran. Strong but showing much of emotions. If you would’ve known that he is still alive and not dead, could you’ve acted the same like you did? We couldn’t risk that. That’s why nobody knew. I’m really sorry and I’m sure Akai as well. But it was the only possibility for him to stay close to us. He helped us many times. That wouldn’t have been possible without this plan.“ Jodie closed her eyes and thought about what the boy said. It sounds plausible. And yet… He didn’t give her any sign. In the end he didn’t have trust in her. Conan watched her sad. „I’m really sorry. It wasn’t easy not to tell you. As I saw you that sad… I was about to tell you. But I couldn’t.“ She opened her eyes again and looked at him. A sad smile lay on her lips. „I can’t really blame you Conan. But you know… It’s been really tough and still is. To lose somebody you once already lost… You can’t understand yet, but life’s pretty unfair sometimes.“ Tears were coming up and she cleared her throat. She took a deep breath. Conan watched her mindfully. Oh he knows. But that’s something he can’t tell her. They sat a while at the bench before they headed back to the car. The following weeks she avoided Shuichi and worked close with Camel. Also in her free time she spent a lot of time with him. Her path crossed many times with Conan. He seemed to be almost everywhere she was going. Meetings with Shuichi were rare, she pretended mostly being busy with other important things. Most Meetings Camel did alone with Shuichi. Sometimes they met Shuichi, but Jodie pretended she didn’t see him. She was trying hard to get over him. And over the fact he doesn’t have any trust in her and her skills. That didn’t hurt the most but still enough. „Say Camel, what’s going on with Jodie?“, he asked after one Meeting Jodie didn’t join. „Eh? What do you mean?“, Camel asked, not understanding. „As I said. What’s going on with Jodie? You can’t deny you’re spending a lot of time together.“ „We are working together. So it’s unavoidable.“ „I mean after work.“ „Well…“, Camel startet stuttering. „We get along pretty well. Unlike you as it seems.“ „That’s why she pretends to be your girlfriend? And what do you mean ‘unlike you’?“ Camel blushed and stumbled. „She was helping me not getting arrested. And every time you meet there’s a tension between you. She’s really mad at you and it looks like she doesn’t want to meet you.“ Shuichi took a deep sip from his Bourbon. „That’s the only reason?“, he asked calm. „W-what do you mean?“, Camel stumbled. „Come on Camel. I’m not blind. I see how you’re looking at her." Busted Camel watched the floor. „You can’t tell me you’re spending so much time with a Woman like Jodie after work without any intentions.“ Camel found his Voice again. „Why are you interested? I could ask you the same. The way you’re looking at Jodie isn’t much different. We’re going out together and having fun together.“ Shuichi took another sip. „Did she declare it as a Date?“, he asked and it was obvious he wasn’t amused. „Why do you care? Jodie is free and can do whatever she wants to.“ „Answer my question Camel.“, Shuichi demanded. Basically she didn’t. Camel kept silent. „As I thought. Why do I care? You may not know this, but Jodie and I have a past together.“, he cleared up the mystery. „You … W-what?!“ He just gaped at him. That was a satisfactory reply. „So you didn’t know, did you? Jodie and I have been in a relationship some time ago. That’s why I care. Let me get this straight. I don’t allow anybody to hurt her as long as I’m still here.“ Camel swallowed and cleared his throat. „So you’re the one who broke her heart like that. I didn’t know, but now it all makes sense to me. Don’t you see it? You still hurt her all the time. She’s avoiding you and tries to get her heart healed.“ Shuichi carefully chose his answer. „Do you think I’m not aware of that? Do you think I don’t see that? Do you think I don’t care? Don’t take it personal, but you’re not the one to save her. The one she moves on with. I know her very well and I know what’s needed to rescue her. I know I have to make my move but it’s not time yet.“ Camel remained quiet. He had to process all of that informations. „I really respect you Camel. But Jodie is not the woman of yours. I know I broke her heart, but so is mine. Also I know it’s not that easy to make it up. But I’ll get it done.“ The following days Shuichi thought about Camel’s words. In need to exchange informations they set up another Meeting. This time Jodie joined. She wasn’t too enthusiastic about that. Jodie barley looked at Shuichi while he watched her the whole time. „What about having a drink Camel? I discovered a lovely bar some time ago.“ Camel looked at Shuichi. „Ah… I’d like to, but I’m already meeting someone. Maybe another time.“ Jodie didn’t miss the glances between those two but she didn’t mention it. „You can have a drink here.“, Shuichi offered. She gave him a short glance. „Nah I’ll ask Natsuko.“, she spoke and grabbed her phone to text her friend. Unfortunately she also didn’t have time. As she left the Mansion she decided to have a coffee and a cake at Poirot. To her surprise she met Ran and Conan there. „Jodie Sensei.“, Ran called her, after the stepped into the cafe. „Nice to see you. What brings you here?“, Ran asked her former Teacher. „Ran, Conan. Oh I… I wanted to try this cafe here. I heard the cake is delicious here.“ „Oh it definitely is. Also the sandwiches. I think cake is a good choice, you’re looking sad.“, Ran detected. „Huh? No it’s nothing. But life doesn’t only bring out shiny days, you know? Sometimes you also have to face dark ones or less bright ones. That’s what I learned years ago and sometimes I have to remind myself of that.“ The bell rang while the door opened. Subaru Okiya stepped into the cafe. Jodie realized as he sat at the table next to them. „Oh oh.“, Conan mumbled. „Subaru San.“, Ran greeted him. „Oh hello. Didn’t expect you here.“ Conan coughed slightly. He glimpsed at Jodie. He wished he could simply disappear. Jodie seemed to have the same intension, but it would’ve been too obvious. And she didn’t know how to explain Ran and Conan. So she stayed without looking at Subaru. „Sorry Sensei, what were you about to say?“ „Eh? Uhm…“ Even though she didn’t want to, she was distracted by his appearance. „You were talking about dark times.“, Conan helped out. „Ah I see, Sometimes you may fall. Sometimes you fall hard and deep, but you have to get up and move on. It may be painful sometimes. Nevertheless you may not give in and lose your faith. On many days you might be upset or hopeless. I guess that’s just the circle of Life. You can’t always be happy and without any sorrows. Also you can’t always be successful. You will fail sometimes, but you may never give up. There also will be happy days. You won’t always get what you want, but keep fighting for it. You know… You will lose friends and family… Also you’ll make new ones. If anybody’s not willing to stay in your life… don’t try to force it. If people wanna stay in your life, they will. If not, it’s just not meant to be.“ Ran swallowed and discovered a really sad look in Jodies eyes. It’s like Jodie used Rans`heart to speak. Conan also looked at Jodie and got sad as well. Jodie didn’t know how much truth she hit with her words. Only Subaru wasn’t looking at her. But he listend and tried not to swallow. „Jodie Sensei…“, Ran started. „It sounds like you’ve been through all of this. I don’t want to be offended, but are you okay?“ Ran was really concerned. This was a question Jodie asked herself many times. She tried to smile. „Life isn’t always a big bright Party, but I deal with it. Also it’s not always that bad. Indeed there are many really happy times. You just need to catch them and keep them deep in your heart.“ This time her smile was honest. She didn’t have appetite left for cake, so she just ordered a coffee. Conan glimpsed at Subaru. This was a matter of delicacy which he actually didn’t want to get involved with. „But enough on my part. How is it going with your boyfriend?“, Jodie asked to change topic. Ran blushed deeply in embarrassment. Conan choked over his juice. Only Subaru was amused about this question. But he hid very well. „Ahh what are you talking about? H-he’s not my boyfriend. This stupid mystery lover.“ Jodie smiled sincere. This time Subaru glanced at Conan and grinned. „So how is it going with Karate then?“ „Pretty well. I won the last Championship.“, Ran answered sheepishly. „Congrats!“, Jodie congratulated. While Jodie drank her coffee she remembered what Conan told her days ago. Now she understood what he was trying to tell her. But it didn’t make it any better. She emptied her cup. „It was really nice to chat with you, but I gotta go now. I need to get some things done.“ She really needed fresh air and some distance to Shuichi. „Likewise Sensei.“ Jodie was about to leave as Ran stopped her. „Sensei?“ „Yes Ran?“ Ran smiled affectionate at her. „I really hope you’re getting your sunny days and happy end soon.“ Jodie closed her eyes. Did she know she was talking about a certain person?“ She opened her eyes again and smiled at Ran. „Thank you Ran. Same to you.“ She waved at them and left. She really needed to catch some air. Soon after that Ran and Conan left as well. Only Subaru stayed. This was a really privat conversation and he shouldn’t have heard it. But it made him realize how much he really hurt her. How much he really broke her. He took his phone and wrote a message. Jodie looked at the message. „I need to talk to you. Are you coming over?“ She sighed. She wasn’t able to face him. She wasn’t ready yet. She didn’t answer. She walked around and came back home quite late. She received another message. „Jodie please. We need to talk.“ She wanted to turn off the phone, but that wasn’t possible. „Not today. I’ll talk to you later.“ She sent him the message and went to bed. The upcoming days she kept ignoring his messages. Camels behavior was also strange. It seemed to her like he was avoiding her like she was avoiding Shuichi. Fine! Next meeting she really was tempted to call herself sick. But she didn’t. As soon as they we’re done, she wanted to leave. „Ahh Jodie. I need you 5 more minutes.“ Shuichi asked her to stay. Actually he didn’t ask, he insisted. „I need to meet James.“, she made excuses. „I’m sure he can wait some more minutes.“ Jodie looked at Camel. As if she wanted him to help her. But the way Shuichi looked at him was enough for him not to interfere. „Um… I’ll wait outside.“ „There’s no need. I’ll give her a ride.“ It seemed like Camel wanted something to say something, but one glance at Shuichi left him silent. „See you then.“ Camel almost ran out of the House. „What’s wrong with you? I told you I need to see James.“ „You’re avoiding me.“ It wasn’t a question, it was a detection. „Nonsense.“, she mumbled not looking at him. „Really? Why aren’t you answering my messages then?“ „I was busy!“ She wanted to leave immediatly. „With dating Camel?“ There was absolutely no amusement in his voice. She stiffed. „What are you talking about?“, she asked harsh. „Weren’t you dating Camel?“ „That’s none of your business!“ „I think so.“, he disagreed. „I can date whoever I want! You were the one who endet things to date someone else, remember?! So don’t interfere in my business!“ Slowly she got really mad. Who does he think he is?? Shuichi stayed calm even she hit him hard on his sore spot „Camel. Really? You know better Jodie.“ „None of your business!“, she repeated louder. „It’s my fucking life and my fucking choice! You didn’t care the last years! So stop pretending you do now!“ She almost screamed. „He’s not the one for you.“ „But you are?“, she hissed. „I can date whoever I want to.“ „Not Camel.“, Shuichi responded quiet. „That’s nothing you decide. You didn‘t care the last 5 years. So don’t pretend you’re doing now.“ Oh yeah, she was really mad. „Who says I didn’t?“ Jodie laughed dryly. „Well your actions? You didn’t come back, did you? You were avoiding me like we don’t even know each other. You didn’t even ask once how I am. I was only good enough if you needed something. And after faking your death you only told a 7 year old boy! No, you’ve PLANNED your death with that Kid! So that’s what I’m worth? Not a single sign that you’re still alive? Must have been really funny watching me searching like a fool for any prove you’re not dead. I’m so sick of it Shuichi. I deserve to be happy. You’re not the one who decides that. Mind your own business like you always did. You didn’t care about me, so keep doing that. I choose who I’m with. You made your choice years ago. Now it’s my turn. I decided to move on and you have no right to keep me off.“ She was tired. Tired of this fights for her happiness. She turned around and wanted to leave, but he grabbed her arm. That made her furious. „Let me go!“ „No.“, he simply said. „You gotta listen to me.“ „I don’t want to! You had so much time but didn’t even try! And now as I’m trying so hard to move on you suddenly you became aware of me? Shut up! I’m sick of you. I gave you everything I have but it wasn’t enough for you. You didn’t want it!“ Tears of anger were shining in her eyes. „Jodie let me explain.“, he pleaded. „At once? No need anymore! Forget it, I’m done with you!“ She almost yelled. She desperately wanted to leave. She couldn’t stand it any longer. She needed to get out of here. „You need to listen to me, then you’ll understand.“, he started. „I don’t wanna understand, don’t you get it? I was trying for YEARS! The time’s up! I don’t care anymore! You’re such an idiot! I hate you Shuichi!“ She got rid of his Hand and pounded her fists against his chest. Again and again. „I hate you!“, she repeated desperate. He didn’t stop her. „You broke my heart again and again. I deserve better than you. Somebody who loves me the same I love him. Somebody who appreciates me and my feelings. You have absolutely no right to take it away from me again!“, she screamed and underlined every word she said with a beat on his chest. She was done. She cried silent and sank down his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. For sure he’ll get some bruises . But he deserves it. He let her cry until she came down a little bit. „You think it was easy for me to leave you. You think it was easy for me to keep myself away from you. Easy not to love you. Let me tell you it was everything but easy. I always wanted the best for you. But being close to you was too dangerous for you. They were trying to kill me and everybody who’s close to me. I couldn’t put you into that danger. I could’ve never forgive myself, if anything would’ve happened to you.“, he tried to explain. „They don’t hesitate. I needed to keep you out of harm’s way. It wasn’t easy to do this. Not a single day.“ Jodie pressed her face against his chest. „You may think I didn’t care.“, he continued after a while. „But that’s not true. I did. Hell I did and still do. But I couldn’t stay close to you even in disguise. They expected me to do so. As you remember Bourbon checked this many times. Vermouth checked Camel. What do you want me to say? I’m sorry? I am. But I don’t regret that decision because it kept you save.“ She closed her eyes and inhaled his scent. His scent she missed so much. „As I couldn’t stay close to you I asked the Kid to have an eye on you.“ „He’s just an elementary schooler.“, she mumbled into his chest. Shuichi smiled. „He’s much more than that. He’s smart and he did a good Job. He helped me many times to get you out of trouble. Don’t be mad at him. I asked him to. He placed a tracking transmitter in your car so I always knew where you are.“ Her head moved with a jerk from his chest. „He did WHAT?!“ „Yep. One of his helpful gadgets he got from the professor.“, Shuichi grinned at her. „I asked him to.“ „Cool Kid.“, she muttered and pressed her face back at Shuichis chest. „He did so ’cause I asked him to and because he cared for you. Get that into your head. We did what we did, ’cause we care for you.“ Jodie sighed. „You still want me to let you go?“, he asked after a while. She didn’t answer. He loosened his grip a bit so he could look at her face. As she felt his movement she raised her head a bit so she could look into his eyes. „No.“, she whispered. „Do you really hate me?“, he asked softly. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her face against it. He pulled her closer again and stroke her back. „I love you Jodie.“ She smiled. „Can you show me?“ „How?“, he asked. „Idiot.“, she mumbled and looked him in the eyes. He moved his face close to hers. „I love you.“, he repeated serious. She removed his hat and pushed her hands into his hair. „Same here.“, she smiled. 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