Murderer   von LORBEERPRINZ
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I am a murderer. 
There is nothing I can say in my defense.

I know what you are going to say now, that it wasn't my fault, but it was. You
weren't there at that time, you have no idea what happened. I killed him. If it
wasn’t me, he would still be here.

You see, when I was younger, there used to be a small supermarket over there.
It's not very far away from the mansion we live in, and sometimes Mama would
send my brother there to get something she forgot to buy. 
I haven't been here since then.
The day she asked him to go there for the very last time was a hot summer day in
August. For some reason, she had thought it was a good idea to send not only my
brother, but also me. I remember I had just recovered from the sickness after
visiting the Digital World for the very first time, and I guess Mama must have
noticed that the relationship between my brother and me had been worse than ever
since then. I think she wanted us to get along better, somehow.
I wish I never had gone along.

I remember everything of that day four years ago. Every minute, every detail.
Sometimes, all these little details come to haunt me at night, one after another
or all together, as if I was thrown back in time, to that summer day.
I remember how hot it was in the streets. I remember how slowly I walked because
I was still a bit weak from recovering, and Osamu held my hand. Or rather, he
dragged me after him, for some reason he was annoyed and wanted to get over with
this little shopping trip as quickly as possible.
I don’t know if I had been the source of his annoyance. I will never know.

We walked along the street, and when I had eventually managed to catch up with
his pace, Osamu's expression suddenly changed. For the whole way until here, he
had not really looked at me once, like I wasn’t there. Like an addition. 
But then he looked at me, the same way he was always looking down on me when
lecturing or scolding me. I think no other boy of his age would have looked at
others like that, but then again, my brother had never been like other boys. His
gaze fell upon me for only a brief second before his attention returned to the
irrelevant nothingness before us.

I remember how he spoke to me, I remember his voice. Every little aspect of it.
"Ken, I don't want you to hang around with that Akiyama anymore."
I did not really understand. Osamu didn't even wait for me voicing my confusion,
he just continued.
"It's obvious that he's teaching you some nonsensical stuff. All you've been
talking about lately were those monsters you two have made up. You even went
through my things!"
While he had sounded rather calm before, his full annoyance had now made its way
to the surface, and when I tried to say something about this, it only made
things worse. 
"B-but Wormmon said the Digivice is mine..."
"There you go again!" He was almost shouting at me now. I saw people staring at
us when I dared to have a quick look around. He crossed his arms before his
chest, visibly trying to calm down a bit. Still, it was scary how he was looking
down onto me. "That thing came from my computer, right? As long as we don't know
what it is, it's mine, got that?"
"I know what it is", I replied, "I told you what it does."
Osamu shook his head, as if he didn't believe me. His voice dropped and I might
be mistaken, but I think he looked a bit sad for a moment. At least his face
visibly changed. "Of course... a digital world with monsters, Chosen Children
and all. Sure..."

Even today, I can't really tell what he wanted to imply, what he was thinking at
that moment. I wished I could.
There was silence between us for a moment, then he spoke up again.
"Well, whatever happened, you were ill afterwards. Mama, Papa, I... everybody
was worried about you! Ryo has no sense of responsibility at all, I don't want
something like that happen to you again."
"It's not Ryo's fault!"
I don't know why, but I suddenly felt the urge to rebel. It was a rather
childish kind of rebellion, but then again, I was nine years old...
My brother wasn’t very happy about that. I think it was the first and last
time I spoke up to him.
"I went there on my own will! The Digital World is real, Wormmon, V-mon,
everything!"
"Ken, stop that!"
I remember I was about to cry, that helpless feeling. Like nobody in the world
would want to believe you.

Then I did the stupidest thing I could have done. I could slap myself for having
reacted like that.
I turned around and ran.
To be precise, I ran across the street. My eyes were full of tears, I couldn't
really see anything, and yet I ran. I didn't want to discuss this with him
anymore.
"You idiot! I’m going home!!"
Once again, I wished he would just vanish, just drop down on the spot and die.

As you can see, this is not an extremely busy street. It wasn't at that time,
either. But there are enough cars driving around to pose a threat to a little
boy that blindly runs towards the other sidewalk.
The last thing I ever heard from my brother was how he called my name. He
shouted after me, that I shouldn't run over the street just like that, that it's
dangerous. I ignored him. I reached the other side of the street and didn't
intent to turn around and look after him.

I only did so when I suddenly heard the sound of screeching tires. 
And then I saw that shoe before me. His shoe.


From now on, I'm not so sure about the correct order of events. Everything
happened so quickly.
Even before I could react to the scene before me, somebody pulled me away. A
woman turned me around, so that I couldn't see the street anymore, she probably
didn't want me to see what had happened. I don't know if she realized I was
Osamu’s brother.
I heard voices from the people around. Somebody cursed, I think it was the car's
driver. Another person recognized my brother as the genius boy Ichijouji Osamu
and suggested to call our parents.
I struggled to get out of the grip of that old woman while she held me firmly,
talked to me, although I don't know what exactly she said.

The ambulance came quickly and people seemed to calm down a bit. I managed to
break free from that old woman's caressing, but when I turned, I didn’t see my
brother anywhere.
Just the car with a visible dent in its front, and Osamu's shoe still near to my
feet. I stared at that car like it was a monster. In fact, it was a monster. I
still think it is one.
Then I saw the blood. It was not much, just a relatively small stain on the
asphalt, but it was enough for me to understand even with just nine years what
had happened. My brother was gone.
Instead, there was this blood. Ambulance men had gathered around one spot that I
couldn’t really see, but I think it was where Osamu was then.

Then, our parents arrived.
I didn't see them at first, the woman had caught me in her arms again. I
struggled hard against her grip, but never won. I heard my mother cry out,
screaming Osamu's name over and over again. I looked up and saw Papa having a
hard time trying to calm her down; he too was visibly fighting his shock and
pain from seeing his son like that.
When the ambulance doors were closed and the vehicle drove off to the nearest
hospital, my mother collapsed on the street. The woman had let off me, but I
didn't run to my parents or anything. I couldn't move at all. I just stared.

My brother did not make it to the hospital.
He died on the way, from the severe craniocerebral and other internal injuries
he had received in that accident. The car had been much too fast.
I never saw my brother again.

***
Motomiya Daisuke swallowed hard and struggled for words. None that popped up in
his head seemed appropriate for the situation. He closely watched his friend
Ken, who seemed to just stare at the street, the point where it supposedly had
happened.
Daisuke had roughly known before what had happened to Ken's older brother; he
had read a few newspaper articles and reports on the topic in online archives,
but he had never heard the story from an eye witness, let alone from the
victim's relative.
A knot formed in Daisuke’s throat. He felt helpless.

He heard Ken inhale deeply, followed by a voice.
"Ken, you're hurting me..."
The blue-haired boy startled, as if he had just awoken from a dream. A bad
dream, Daisuke thought.
While telling his story, Ken had at some point picked up Wormmon and had since
then held his partner closely in his arms, as if to steady himself. He must have
subconsciously tightened that embrace too much.
"I'm sorry, Wormmon..."
Ken forced a smile towards his Digimon partner and when he looked up again and
turned to Daisuke, the auburn-haired boy finally found something to say.

"It's not your fault. Everybody knows that."
Ken's expression changed again, his features hardened. The piercing blue eyes of
his seemed to directly stare into Daisuke's soul for a moment, as if trying to
reach the very core of the boy's existence, before they became different again
and told of nothing else but guilt and sadness.
“"t is. It was me who wished to see him dead, all the time. I was the one to
run away and he just followed me. I killed my brother."

It started to rain.
"That's not true!", Daisuke shouted at his friend. "You said the car was too
fast – it's the stupid driver's fault!" Again, the gogglehead lost ideas of
what to say and just smacked his lips. But was there even more to say?
Silence fell between the two. Daisuke noticed a small spot on the sidewalk and
could not help but imagining Ichijouji Osamu's shoe there. He swallowed hard and
looked up again, saw how Ken’s straight hair slowly became partially frizzy
due to the humid air. He noticed how the raindrops got bigger.
Ken's gaze had long left Daisuke and it seemed now as if he would stare into
nothingness. It was not the first time this happened, Daisuke knew that his
friend had moments like this from time to time. Moments where he seemingly
escaped into the innermost corner of himself, trying to shun out everything that
would fall down onto him that moment. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it did not,
but every time he witnessed this transgression, Daisuke felt as if Ken's mind
had wandered off to some other world, with nobody else inside but himself.

Some more silent minutes passed, Daisuke was unsure what to do.
"Ken...", Wormmon then started, "you'll catch a cold if you stay in the rain
just like that..."
Only slowly seemed Wormmon's words to reach his partner. The blue haired boy
blinked, again as if awakening from a dream. When he spoke, the sound of the
rain, and the cars that drove through the wet street made it almost impossible
to hear his voice.
"Sometimes, he comes to me at night. To remind me of what has happened." Another
pause.
"I wished I could turn back the time."

"Goddamnit", Daisuke snapped, inhaled with audible annoyance and did the only
thing that came to his mind, no matter if it would improve the situation or not
– he took a step forward and pulled Ken into a tight embrace.
Worrmon jumped out of the way into a small hedge next to the boys just in time
and watched the two. He had supposed Ken would struggle against this hug
somehow, but the Chosen Child just let Daisuke have his way, listened to him
almost lifelessly. 
"I thought we were through with this already. You can't change what happened in
the past, Ken, nor can you bring back lost ones. Endlessly blaming yourself
doesn't help. The only thing you can do is to live with what has happened, and
live in a way that would make those proud you had to leave behind."
Daisuke felt the eyes of passing people staring right at him and Ken, at the two
teenagers hugging in the rain. He did not care.
"I know you can do that. You've shown us all that you can. You being here with
me, with us, that's the proof."

Slowly, Ken lifted his arms and brought them together on Daisuke's back. "I'm
sorry", he whispered.
Daisuke pushed away a bit to look into Ken's face. He smiled his biggest grin. 
"It's okay. I know that from you already, don't I? Although I must admit I think
it's a bit childish sometimes..."
Suddenly, Ken could not help but smile. "Childish...? Says you of all people!"
Daisuke freed Ken of the embrace, took a step back and laughed. "Aw, come on –
that was a joke, a joke!" Ken sighed, but it did not sound sad anymore. "I
know." When he made a step into Daisuke's direction, his friend used the
opportunity to grab his wrist and pulled him into a certain direction.
"It's getting cold in that damn rain, don't you think? Let’s get to your
place, it's near anyway!"
Ken nodded. "I'm sure Mama will make some tea for us."


From inside the hedge, Wormmon watched the two as they hurried along the street
into the direction of that very familiar mansion. He saw how Daisuke let go of
Ken's wrist and took his hand instead. He felt relieved. Ken would probably
never forget that day, he would always feel as if he had at least some kind of
responsibility for the accident, but at least he had somebody who was so good at
helping him to live with it.
Wormmon knew that Ken trusted his Digimon partner to find his own way back home.

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