Bedtime Stories   von SchokoShrimp
                               (Shinji/Akihiko)
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                      Kapitel 3: Failing To Be The Savior
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Failing To Be The Savior

Why is he so damn tense? This is just not normal… Akihiko couldn’t help but
wonder as a strange feeling crept into his stomach. This feels so… off.
This evening was so strange. No, the whole day had been strange, Shinji was
behaving strangely, everything, everything was strange, it was just not
right…
Akihiko couldn’t put a finger on what was actually causing this feeling but he
just knew that this was not how it was supposed to be.
Nonetheless he tried to suppress that feeling, because the position he was
currently in was not the best to reminisce.
He was standing behind Shinjiro, arms around the other’s waist, facing the
wall.
Akihiko rested his head on Shinji’s shoulders, which were still tense. 
When they had come into the room like every other day after their fights in
Tartarus, there had been nothing. Simply nothing. Well, in fact, there had been
Shinji ignoring him and going to the sink with his back turned; but there had
not been the expected: no kissing, no hugging and no…
Well, simply not the usual. And that was really making him worry.
Despite the strange feeling this had caused him, Akihiko decided to take up the
initiative.
                      He was pretending not to notice how Shinji was acting; he
decided that would be best.
Beginning to undo the buttons of the other’s coat he snuggled his nose against
Shinji’s neck, where he noticed very muscle was standing out because of the
other’s tension.
He removed his friend’s coat and slipped off his cap, all the time standing
behind him with no chance to read his face. 
Throwing the clothes over the only chair in the room he urged Shinji to turn
around. 
Akihiko took one side of the other’s face in his hand and began to kiss him as
passionately as he could with almost no response coming from Shinjiro.
He frowned as he pushed him back in the direction where he assumed the bed to
be.
Akihiko pushed him down as they’d reached the edge and knelt over him.
Shinjiro had his eyes half closed, but not in a manner of passion, as he looked
to the side, away from Akihiko. His arms were sprawled out on the sheet, limp
like a puppet.
With this sight before him, Akihiko noticed an alarm setting off in his head. He
couldn’t hold back the thoughts anymore, that there was something wrong with
his friend. Shinji would never, ever let him claim dominance. 
He kept on going anyways, trying to push back the words that were screaming at
him inside his head. 
As he continued with kisses along the other’s neck he pushed his hands under
Shinji’s shirt to get rid of the thing. 
It was becoming even noisier in his had, now that he noticed his friend’s
expression.
He looked as if he was in pain, as if he was hurting really badly.
After removing Shinji’s shirt alongside his own, he slid his fingertips over
the other’s cheek once, wanting to just wipe the expression off Shinji’s
face. Then he proceeded downwards, not really knowing why he pushed himself to
continue.
When they were both just in their underwear, Shinji’s expression had become
too painful for Akihiko to look at. He was at a loss. There was still no
movement coming from his friend, he just didn’t know what to do anymore. It
was impossible for him to continue.
First, he couldn’t stand the pain on Shinji’s face, for which he knew no
reasons; and second,  he would have to continue the way the other did every
night and that was another unfeasible thing for him.
Akihiko just hoped that there would maybe now be a reaction from Shinji and as
his friend raised his arms to grab his shoulders, he thought that this was
finally the end of his struggle. But he wasn’t flipped over as expected;
instead the other’s fingers were clenching his shoulder painfully hard.
Akihiko’s glance flew to the other’s eyes. Shinji seemed to be struggling
with himself; he still had that pained expression on his rarely animated face. 
As Akihiko thought he couldn’t take the tension anymore, he was finally
released.
“That’s enough. Get off.”, Shinji stated calmly, but with a slight tremor
in his voice. 
Akihiko simply knew this was going to happen. 
“Huh? You don’t like it this way?”, he tried to joke to somehow lighten up
the mood, but he couldn’t keep his voice from shaking.
“We shouldn’t do this today.”, Shinji answered.
Akihiko decided to mess up his try to keep the mood light, he realized that this
was not going to get him anywhere.
He climbed off of Shinji and slid under the covers next to him. Frowning, he
looked his friend in the face.
“What’s the matter with you? You not feeling good?”
“Shut up. It’s none of you business.”, Shinji replied coldly with a fierce
gleam in his eyes.
Why was he always like that?
It hurt. It hurt so damn much.
It hurt, that Shinji was never really answering him. It hurt that he never told
him what he thought. It hurt that there were things, Akihiko knew he was not
allowed to ask. And what hurt most was, that Shinji kept pushing him away.
“Shinji”, Akihiko began, not being able to keep the pain from seeping into
his voice. “You know that it is my business, too. You know you can tell me; I
want to know when something’s the matter. Because I do care…” He sighed.
There was no getting through to his friend.
Suddenly Akihiko’s breath caught in his throat. Until he realized what had
happened, breathing had become impossible altogether. 
He was pressed to Shinji’s chest in a desperate embrace; a mass of brown hair
in his eyes as the other’s head was buried somewhere at his neck. 
Alongside with his breathing, his thoughts had stopped to. He couldn’t think
of any reason of the way Shinji was acting.
The time in this stupor seemed endless to him.
When he was able to look at his friend’s face again, because he was released
from the grip, he knew there would be no questions to ask. He read it from the
other’s eyes and he couldn’t bring himself to ask anyway. 
“Turn around.” 
Akihiko obeyed without thinking.
He heard Shinji feel for the switch of the lamp on the headboard as his other
arm lay loosely over Akihiko’s side.
When it turned dark, Akihiko remembered how he’d always wished for this kind
of thing in the past. Lying in bed and falling asleep together. But now, even
that felt wrong. This feeling had settled itself in the pit of his stomach and
didn’t want to go away. 
“Shinji?”, he spoke into the pitch black night, his eyes hadn’t yet
adjusted to the sudden darkness.
“Huh?”
There had since long been something Akihiko wanted, but never dared to ask. But
now, this feeling inside him was urging him to ask this question now. It was
stupid. He knew it was stupid. To ask now, when everything had felt so wrong
that day it was probably the worst moment of all. But still…
“I… wanted to talk to you about something.”, Akihiko began.
“So?” He felt that Shinji didn’t want to talk, but it didn’t matter.
“It’s about… us hiding all the time.” Since he couldn’t see anything
and Shinji was behind him, he tried to listen for something that would give him
an idea of what the other was thinking, but the only thing he got was silence.
“I don’t want to keep this just inside this room. It’s simply not right.
Hiding all the time…”
He was almost sure there wouldn’t be a response, either, this time.
But suddenly he was pushed away and the light was turned on. Akihiko blinked to
adjust to the light and as he could see again, Shinji was sitting upright in the
bed. 
“What the hell do you think you’re saying there?” Shinjiro was almost
shouting, probably only keeping his voice relatively low to not wake the others.
And Akihiko couldn’t do anything but listen.
“This is mad!  Fuck, do you think we can just tell the others, or what? No, we
fucking can’t! I always knew you were kind of dumb, but, shit Aki, can’t you
just keep your stupid thoughts to yourself for once?!”
Shinji’s exclamation had washed over Akihiko like a waterfall. He had expected
anything but this. And what came next was what hurt most.
“And anyway, I don’t want to make this official.”
Akihiko felt totally affronted. Again, he was at a loss. He cursed himself for
saying something in the first place.  
There was only one thing in his mind left now. The only thing that had a value
to him now. The only thing he thought of that might help him out of this
situation. He didn’t want to say it, he simply didn’t. Not in this kind of
situation. 
Silence settled down, pressing him to speak the words.
As he spoke them he couldn’t help but notice how desperate and bitter his
voice sounded; and that was the last thing he wanted it to be.
“I love you.”
With grim satisfaction he noticed how Shinji’s jaw clenched and his eyes
widened in surprise. 
         Frustrated and sad, Akihiko reached for the switch and turned off the
light. It was enough for this evening, there was never going to be a solution to
this. 
“Damn…” Surprised, Akihiko turned around.
“You know, it’s the… same here, Aki.”
Dumbfounded, Akihiko stared into the darkness where he assumed the other to be.
Realization of what Shinji had just said, trickled into his brain.
And again, he simply couldn’t keep himself from touching Shinji. Blindly, he
reached out to get hold of something that belonged to the other. When he found
Shinjiro’ face, he just let his hands rest there and was all too happy that he
couldn’t see his friend’s expression.
The sudden happiness made Akihiko forget that there was still that feeling in
his stomach and that he shouldn’t forget how strange everything still was.
“One day I’ll convince you to stop hiding in here.”, Akihiko stated,
smiling into the blackness.
There was this silence again, but Akihiko was too tired and too comfortable to
find it unsettling.
“Yeah, one day.”, Shinji answered. Again, Akihiko didn’t notice the regret
in his friend’s voice.

The next morning, Akihiko awoke with a start. Before he even noticed that the
alarm-clock had set off, he realized that the sheets around him were cold. It
struck him as odd, that Shinji had gone out at such an early hour; but he
didn’t brood about it any further. Although there was this dull feeling again,
he ignored it. He must have left, because he ran out of cigarettes or something
similar, Akihiko concluded. 
Because the alarm was slowly driving him nuts, he decided to turn it off. He
grabbed for it and hit the off button. 
Looking at the date, again there was something appearing somewhere in the back
of his mind. He didn’t pay any attention to it and, finally, his sleepy
numbness made the feeling dissipate altogether.
It was the 4th October.

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